A Happier Me :)

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently made a HUGE lifestyle change.

It was at the end of June, I have just returned from my "eat everything I can" trip to HK and Seoul when I realised how round I have become and how frustratingly tight my clothes were getting. I was even embarrassed to share any photos taken during my trip because I hated how fat I looked.

Everyone who saw me said, "Erm, you've put on some weight huh?" with an emphasis on the word "some". Yes, I knew it was true, but it made me angry at them for pointing out the obvious. AS IF I CAN'T TELL, now you have to remind me?!!

My mum would often say to me "eh you so fat already, don't eat so much," as if it was a sin to eat. As if it was my fault that I've got genes that made me gain weight so easily.

I don't eat THAT much to begin with. But I have to put it out there, I don't exercise as often as I should. And I guess as I grow older, my metabolism started to take a dive and that's how my weight piled up so quickly. And as much as I hate to admit this, being fat made me really, really upset.

The photo you see on the left was taken at the end of December 2014 when I was at the fattest I have ever been in my life at 68kg.

I remember how I hated seeing my reflection in the mirror because I was disgusted with what I saw and bit by bit, I started to lose my self esteem and confidence.

At times I even wonder to myself, how can Leon possibly love someone this fat and unattractive? Looking back I now realise how I did gradually become more and more insecure and how I often felt dejected and unloved.

Perhaps I masked it well but nobody asked if I was okay and I didn't know who I could speak to about how I was feeling because I fear that people might judge me for being silly. But I just knew I wasn't emotionally okay.

I was going through a really tough time with what felt like a rocky relationship (most probably stemmed from my insecurity), the loss of a very dear friend, and how unhappy I was at work due to all the negativity caused by some structural changes. With all of that combined, it was no wonder I was upset all the time. I hung on tight for a couple of months, but it was slowly draining me.

Deep inside I knew things weren't right anymore and I had to do something about it. My heart kept telling me, I don't want to be here. Let's go. So for once I followed my heart.

In May this year, I left my job and headed home to Malaysia for a couple of months. It felt right, and looking back, I'm glad I took the plunge. It was the best decision I made all year. I managed to clear my head and get back on track.

I also took up personal training at Trinity Ludus whilst in Malaysia. With an extremely strict diet and workout routine (I was at the gym 6 days a week!), I've managed to lose a total of 9.2kg in 14 weeks. And the result is the girl you see on the right - a fit, healthy and most importantly happy girl. :)

I don't normally wear sleeveless tops or dresses as I used to hate how fat I look in them and how flabby my arms were but this was the only smart casual dress I had for our anniversary dinner so I braved it anyways.

When Leon showed me this photo after it was taken, I was so surprised and happy to see how sharp my face is now and how my arms have toned up so much. There was no need to liquify my arms or edit my photos anymore and boy, did it feel good to be comfortable in my own skin!

I no longer get upset at my own reflection in the mirror, in fact I quite like what I see now. To be honest, I did not know that my weight affected me this much until I started on this journey. I am really surprised at how much happier one can be as a fit and healthy person.

I am proud to announce that I am no longer a miserably fat and overweight person now. I've managed to bring my BMI to a normal, healthy weight and currently weighing in at 57kg. Even though this sounds ridiculous to many, I am aiming for 50kg and I am hoping to train for abs soon!

Although having said that, now that I am slightly leaner though, I'm trying to balance it out and starting to be a little more lenient with my cheat meals. Life is short, you've got to allow yourself to indulge a little bit too.

As exaggerated as this might sound to you, my weight loss has been life-changing for me and even though it is tough to give up on the one thing I love a lot (aka yummy food), this is the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I've learnt that anything and everything can be done, if you put your heart into it. Don't procrastinate. Don't give up. JUST KEEP PUSHING, ONE DAY AT A TIME! ;)

Happy New Year 2015!!

Holla!! If you've been following me on Instagram, you'd know that I've just returned from a 3 weeks holiday in Malaysia with one tooth less, a slightly swollen jaw and fortunately for me, 3kg's lighter (yay!!).

Oh, don't get me wrong! I sure did indulge in all the local food during my stay. The Boyfriend and I also made a short trip to Penang to visit our friends and to enjoy all the good food.

Upon our return to KL, I had to put up with a lot of "Wah, you've gained a lot of weight!" remarks, from my parents, relatives and even my helper, which agitated me a lot.

But I've somehow managed to lose all that extra kilos that I've piled on following my wisdom tooth extraction surgery.

The surgery went really well, and I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to go to a good dentist.

If you're from Malaysia, and live close to Klang, I highly recommend Dr. Ngor from Emmanuel Dental Surgery Klang. He was so patient with all the concerns I had, and most importantly very gentle too.

I felt absolutely no pain at all during the local anaesthetic procedure, and throughout the surgery or even after that.

Unfortunately for me though, I was allergic to the painkiller that I was prescribed with. This resulted in me throwing up all my food and drinks for a whole 1.5 days.

I felt so sick and weak, I could barely even get out of bed. Except of course when I needed to throw up. All the spewing sadly injured the surgery wound, and at some point, the wound started to bleed again.

Obviously I couldn't take anymore painkillers, so I had to put up with the discomfort and relied slightly on Panadol. I also iced my cheek/jaw area externally to help soothe the pain.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I came down with a fever and cold the following morning. Thankfully I was home, in the care and support of my parents, who took such great care of me.

I did eventually get better and I'm all good now, except my mouth won't open as big as before seeing as the wound has yet to fully heal.

But I'll take all that pain I had to endure as a blessing in disguise though, as I am grateful for the weight loss. :P

I'm trying to maintain the weight loss and am doing my best to lose even more. So during the week since my return, I've been going to the gym, and have actually started eating clean. 

For breakfast and dinner, I usually have either overnight eats with chia seeds and fruits, or green smoothie/juice.

For days when I'm a little hungrier, I'd have an omelette with spinach, or a grilled chicken Maryland (without skin) or some stir fried vegetables. Sometimes I allow myself to indulge a little and I'll have eomukguk (Korean fish cake soup).

I've also started packing my lunchbox to work. I'm doing it "bento style" with a main, a side dish of vegetables and a side of protein.

Here's my effort over the past two weeks:

Lunchbox Week 1: Grilled Miso Chicken Breast as my main, stir fried vegetables with sesame seeds, nori tamagoyaki (seaweed egg roll). And yes, I ate the same thing for 4 consecutive lunches.

Lunchbox Week 2: Japanese hambagu (hamburger steak) as my main, edamame, cherry tomatoes, nori tamagoyaki (seaweed egg roll). This week though I mixed it up a little and sometimes have sugar free carrot kinpira or kimchi as my bento filler.

I try really hard to go carb and sugar free during the weekdays. I also ensure that I hit the gym at least 3-4 times, with a minimum of 40 mins to an hour time spent.

During the weekends, I allow myself a little leniency to enjoy some rice or noodles. This usually involves my favourite Korean dishes such as bibimbap or tteokbokki.

I also allow myself the chance to rest up during the weekends with sleep-in's and the chance to just roll around in bed.

In the evening though, The Boyfriend and I will take our newly bought bikes for a spin around his neighbourhood and sometimes even, if the weather permits, we'll do the trails together. 

I've been back for 10 days now and so far, I've lost a further 1.5kg!! :D

No doubt, I'm really proud of myself but at the same time I'm also pretty sure it's the early stages and I'm only losing all the water retention weight.

I know it'll get harder from here on but I'm not going to give up. I've never been this motivated before and I hope to keep this determination going until I hit my goal of losing a further 10kgs.

Truth be told, I've never liked what I see in the mirror, and I used to hate my body. But I've learnt to slowly give my body the love and attention it deserves.

This has helped not only with this whole process, but also gave me a boost of confidence. Instead of just sitting around and whining about how fat I've become, I'm actually doing something about it.

There are days when I return from work feeling really tired, and of course I'd just want to take a shower and jump into bed.

But these are the days when I have to work really hard to convince myself to drag my sorry arse to the gym.

Tell yourself surely you can spend just 10-15 minutes with a bit of exercise - that's how I do it, because once you're pumped you're going to keep going. 

For me, the hardest bit is actually getting there, but as soon as I'm there, there's no problem with pushing myself hard. 

I've even chopped off my hair because as silly as this sounds, I find it troublesome spending all that time washing and drying my hair.

It really puts me off from working out. So yes, I'm now donning a short asymmetrical bob which I absolutely love! 

I think I look a lot fresher, what do you think? 

Those who know me well, knows that I've been battling with my weight for years. Losing weight has become a staple item on my new year's resolution list.

But this year, I'm doing it a little differently. I've got it down as:

Love my body! Get fit and healthy!

Once you're fit and healthy, you'll eventually lose the fats. At least that's what I'd like to believe.

To all of you out there on the same journey to fitness as I am, good luck! Let's keep pushing hard to achieve our goals.

As the Koreans would say, "화이팅! Fighting!"

Ik Mis Je :')

My alarm rang at 6.45am, just like any other morning. I turned to my bed side table, and hit the snooze button, with both my eyes still tightly shut.

At 6.54am, the alarm went off again. I was only half awake when I picked up my phone and proceeded with my daily social media routine; I checked my Instagram feed, followed by an automated tap on that familiar blue icon.

It was on Facebook when I first learnt about MH17. I was shocked to find the news of another Malaysia Airlines tragedy flood my newsfeed. I read enough to know what had happened, and hastily got up to get dressed for work.

When my colleague raised the conversation about "the MAS flight that crashed", it tugged at my heartstrings because Malaysia Airlines resonate very well with me; this airline has brought me home numerous times and as a Malaysian, I have grown up flying this airline before Air Asia came about.

This could happen to anyone of us. I thought about the people on board flight MH17 and felt sorry for their family and friends, but I snapped out of it and got on with work just like any other Friday morning.

It was not until about 11.30am when I received a text from my brother that read: Elaine was on that flight.

I read it over and over again, in shock and disbelief.

I don't know what prompted me to do a quick search on Google for updates on MH17 but true enough, I found Elaine's picture on The Age with a caption that read something along the lines of "Melbourne University's student Elaine Teoh, believed to be on flight MH17".

I cupped my mouth in shock, the hair on my arms stood up like soldiers at attention and streams of tears rolled down my cheeks.

I tried to hold it in but it wasn't long before I broke down and started to sob uncontrollably in my seat.

I must have shocked my colleagues with my sudden burst of tears, as they walked over to ask what had happened and if I was okay.

I struggled getting any words out, but when I managed to pull myself together (just barely), I managed a short response, "I just found out... My friend was on the flight that crashed."

The news still hasn't sunk in when I muttered those words. I was still in disbelief. "No way, no way, no way!" I chanted silently to myself. I struggled to come to terms with the news, and honestly I still do.

I trembled in fear and my whole body shook as my boss drove me over to Elaine's apartment where her Mum, her sister and mutual friends were present. We hugged, we cried and we reminisced the good times and memories that we all shared with Elaine.

I won't deny that it was one of the most difficult day of my life. I have never once felt this vulnerable, ever.

It is a day I will never forget. Every Friday, I relive this day in my head. Every Friday, I think of Elaine. Every Friday I hope there are lots and lots of good food up there for her. Every Friday, I ask under my breath, "How are you, Laine? Are you doing all good up there?"

Even though I knew it had happened, but I still could not believe it, up until now even, I still cannot believe that I'll never get to see Elaine again. I refuse to accept that this is true.

Before her body was being identified, I still had this small pang of hope that she managed to survive the crash and that she was alive, somewhere in Ukraine.

It is true when they say, you never truly understand the pain of losing your loved ones (especially in such a tragedy) until you experience it first hand. This pain was indescribable; it felt like a part of me died.

I've also learnt that everybody deals with death and pain in many different ways. Some manage it better than others, but I for one, do not handle death well.

Time heals, as many would say; I agree it does get better and easier over time. At least I no longer break out in sudden tears at the thought of Elaine, but deep down inside, it still hurts. This pain will never heal, time simply numbs the wound.

It has been 3 months now since Elaine left us, and whilst I've managed to come to terms with the fact that she has passed away and is now in a better place, I still cannot help but hope that she was still around.

Elaine was one of the most genuine and kind-hearted person I've met and her presence is very sorely missed.

I miss hanging out with her, I miss teasing her, I miss pulling tricks on this rather gullible friend of mine, I miss sharing my baked goodies with her, I miss her goofiness, I miss having girly talks with her over good food and I really, really miss her laughters.

I miss you, Elaine.

I have so much to tell you and I know it is now too late to say this, but I wish we had caught up more often. I'm sorry we didn't get the chance to see each other before you left for Amsterdam.

Friday, 18th July 2014 - this day is forever embossed in my heart. It was the day I lost a good friend. But this is not goodbye, Elaine.

Till I see you again, my friend. :')

A new chapter in life! :)

20th December 2013 is a day I will always remember. It is the day I closed a chapter in my life - it was my last day of work at an advertising firm where I was working for over the past 3 years.

After long, hard thoughts, I finally took the leap of faith and put down my papers. I believe that happiness comes first in life and I could no longer find that in my job.

It was a BIG decision to make because of my visa condition (I am on a business sponsored visa) and I was very fearful. But after it has all sunk in, a sense of relief washed over me.

It's been a couple of months since I resigned, and I know for sure now that I've made the right decision.

I was in need of a change, and a new challenge. It is important for me to continue to develop and grow, and it was unfortunate that my previous job no longer offered me that satisfaction.

To be honest, I still don't know what's going to happen next or what my plans are yet from here on; but one thing I'm sure of is, I'm so glad I'm moving on. 

Lucky me has a couple of job opportunities in the pipeline, but a part of me is also thinking that maybe it's an opportunity to start venturing into the pastry world? Or perhaps take a gap year and travel around? ✈

I don't know... But whatever it might be, the world is now my oyster! ;)