My apologies many photos aren't showing due to Photobucket's change of policy. I am slowly working on re-uploading my photos one by one but it will take me a good while as there are way too many. I apologise for any inconvenience caused.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Goodbye, my love.

I don't quite know how to start this post but if you've been following me on Instagram, you would probably already know that Leon (whom I often refer to in my blog posts as The Boyfriend) and I have decided to end our relationship of 4.5 years.

We didn't just decide to pull the plug, it was over a more complicated circumstance, one that was beyond our control. And as much as I do not wish to be airing my dirty laundry online, I figure I've already shared so much of my life on this blog already, it wouldn't make sense if I closed this big chapter of my life without an update.

I've also learnt that if I reflect on my emotions and write about my feelings, it often helps get 'it' out of my chest and for me, this is a preparation as I begin to let go and move on.

If I had to be really honest with you, I never saw this coming. I never thought there would ever come a day when I'd be single again. I thought what we shared was a bond that was strong and unbreakable. I thought we were in a relationship that was stable.

I mean I was ready to commit and marry this guy. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I was looking forward to the day I could rename him The Hubby. But alas, fate took a cruel and twisted turn, and turned him into someone I now label an acquaintance, and hopefully in time, a friend.

From this, the biggest lesson I've learnt is that life will always have different plans than the ones you've made. And being a strong believer in fate, I believe everything happens for a reason. Life has proven to me again and again that when one door closes, another one will eventually open up.

It is painful and difficult, and it will take some time for me to be able to heal before I can even begin moving on. But I understand that I can't start the next chapter of my life if I keep rereading the last one so I am working hard to let go. A good friend said to me, "letting go is also love".

Of course it is often easier said than done.

There are days when I am okay, but there are also days when I am not.

There are days when I tell myself it's all for the better, but there are also days when I truly miss him and us.

There are days when I am upset and disappointed in him, but there are also days when I worry and feel sorry for him.

It's a whole big mess of emotions and it will take some time to allow the wound to numb. But I know life has got better and bigger plans for me - I just got to keep believing in that. My life has and will continue to change, even more significantly as time goes by. 

To be really frank with you, it doesn't hurt as much now that it has ended, as it did back when the conflict was ongoing and when I first realised we were heading towards a break up. There was not a day when I would not bawl my eyes out. 

It was most painful when I felt this relationship was not salvageable and the thought that he will no longer be a part of my life nor my future crossed my mind.

It was most painful when I realised how inconsequential my life was to these people I was ready to call and take on as my family. That sudden realisation, took me by surprise.

I was hurting so much, I called my best friend on the phone, whilst sobbing away. I've never done anything like that before so he was needless to say a little shocked.

I wallowed in my pain, but he stood by me, advised me, gave me time to dwell in it for a little while before he pushed me to stand back up on my feet.

"You should not depend on someone else for your own happiness. Take this opportunity to do the things you previously didn't have the time or opportunity to do. Grow up and learn to be alone." Tough love, but exactly what I really needed.

I did think how unfair God was towards me, to turn my life upside down and inside out. But I now see it as a blessing in disguise. God is giving me another chance in life, to seek my true happiness and to chase my dreams.

I've always wanted to just pack up and leave to start my life anew, but love tied me down. So the way I look at all this is that yes I've been hurt but I've also been given another chance to start fresh.

I always thought that I'd be spending the rest of my life in Melbourne and of course, I never thought there would come a day when I would leave Melbourne for good. But well, I've just booked my one way ticket with 40kg baggage allowance from Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur.

I cannot deny; I do love this city a lot. I've grown so much in this beautiful city, been given the opportunity to so many wonderful life experiences and I've met so many wonderful people I now call my friends.

10 years is a long time and to me, Melbourne will always be my second home, one that holds many memories so dear to my heart. And as much as it pains me to bid this city goodbye, I believe it is only for the better. I am not sure when I will return to Aussie grounds but we'll see. Maybe in time.

I now look forward to my new journey and adventure. I'm going to explore, and most importantly live, with a passion.

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~ Sonia Ricotti

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